We went for my routine check in the morning. Everything was fine with the baby and my gynae told me that he (baby) should be ready to come to this world in another week or two. Went back home, took a nap and was out for dinner around 7ish. On my way back, I felt as though my whole body was tearing apart, I could only managed a few steps and had to stop many times to catch my breath. Upon reaching home, I went to the bathroom and discovered some brownish/reddish discharge. Panicked, I called my elder sis who advised me to go to the hospital immediately. We took a cab to TMC and called my parents and in-law on our way there, smsed a close friend as well and she replied: “I’ll pray for you”, I didn’t know then that I would rely on lots of prayers for the next 3 weeks. Reached the hospital few minutes past midnight. The nurse checked and declared that I’m only 1cm dilated (gosh, how long is this going to take). I mentioned about the discharge but she doesn’t seem to be alarmed at all, I believe she’s more experienced than anyone else, so I wasn't very worried at all. I was strapped to a machine that measured my contractions and the baby’s heartbeat. Everything seemed normal to us, and I didn’t feel much discomfort. Hubby and I chatted and played some card games to pass time. It wasn’t until much later (around 2 hours) when another nurse came in and noticed the irregularity in my baby’s heartbeat. Without hesitation, they called my gynae and she arrived shortly, announced that they need to perform a full GA c-section! I was frantic and trembled uncontrollably, “What’s wrong with my baby, is he going to be alright?” While I was wheeled to the operating theatre, I was in tears and held on tightly to hubby’s hand, “I’m so scared..” “Don’t worry, I’ll be here waiting for you!” I still remember my gynae’s word while I was lying on the OT bed: “Don’t worry much, perhaps he’s just choosing the quick way out!” How I wished that was just the case…

13 Oct 2002, Sunday, 16 days before my EDD.

Damien was born via emergency c-section. Apparently, this silly boy passed motion in my womb and sucked it into his lungs. (Dirty fellow huh) He was oxygen-deprived by the time the gynae pulled him out. He did not wail, because he couldn’t. While other newborns were being clean up, and had their statistics taken, Damien was wheeled immediately to the NICU, where they inserted tubes into his throat, his hands and legs. He was attached to a life support machine to help him breath, because he can’t breath on his own. There were machines all around him to monitor his every breath and movements. While other new mothers were being taught how to hold their babies properly and breastfeed correctly, my gynae told me: “We’ve done whatever we could and there’s nothing much we can do at the moment, we can’t promise anything, it all depends on his will power.” While other new fathers were busy phoning or sms-ing friends and relatives to announce the arrival of their new bundle of joy, hubby had to make that dreadful call to inform our parents that yes, I’ve given birth and no, the baby is not doing well. My parents and in-laws rushed down first thing after they received the call. They were only allowed to view Damien through the glass panel of the NICU. I don’t know what’s their reaction seeing their grandson lying motionlessly with tubes all around, I believe it must be very painful, and I felt as if I’m the one causing them this pain… I only get to see my boy more than 12 hours after the operation; I broke down when I first set eyes on him! It’s really heartbreaking knowing that he must be suffering and yet I, as his mummy, cannot do anything to ease his pain. The nurses in the NICU were kind enough to remind us to take a picture of him, just in case he couldn’t make it through, we would at least have an image of him to keep.

14 Oct 2002, Monday – 15 Oct 2002, Tuesday16 Oct 2002, Wednesday

The day I was discharged, I sat on my hospital bed and couldn’t stop crying. The thought of leaving him alone is too much to bear. The nurse came in and comforted me: “You have to be strong for him, if you’re sad, he can feel it!” and so off I went, leaving my poor baby still fighting for his dear life in the NICU.

17 Oct 2002, Thursday – 1 Nov 2002, Friday

The following 3 weeks were an emotional period for us, especially hubby, who had to work in the morning, rushed down to the hospital after work, applied for Damien's birth certificate (knowing full well that our little one might not make it), at the same time worry about how i'm coping physically and mentally The doctor in-charge would call us every morning to report his progress..for the first week, things were rather bleak, i always feared the worst had happened each time the phone rang, and i simply had to keep myself busy, talked to someone so as to stay sane… We went to the hospital every night, to talk to Damein. We would tell him the same thing over and over again: “Damien, mummy and daddy is here with you, don’t be afraid, you have to be strong ok? Everyone is waiting for you at home. Don’t sleep anymore, wake up and come home with us! Mummy and daddy want to hold you and hug you so much, you have to fight on, darling!” I know he can hear us! There was once I saw him open and close his mouth continuously, at the same time wriggle his arms and legs with all his might, I thought what had happened and quickly call for the nurses! What they told me sent me to tears: “Oh he’s crying, he can hear your voice, you know. Keep talking to him, this boy is fighting very hard!” Two weeks later, his condition improved, and we were allowed to carry him for the first time since he was born…no words could describe our feelings then..we saw a miracle in Damien..

2 Nov 2002, Saturday

Our little hero finally won the battle and came home, three weeks after he was born. This is the first proper picture of Damien, taken 2 weeks after he’s born. I erased the one of him with tubes all around, knowing full well that the image will be etched in my heart forever. It's been nearly seven years and i'm surprised that i can still remember these details as if it just happened not too long ago…i gu We turned down well-meaning friends and colleagues who wanted to visit, as we were too emotionally drained just by replying their smses and phone calls, let alone seeing their concerned faces. However, we really appreciated the presence of our families as they granted us the strength we needed. I remember one night, walking back from the NICU to my room, we passed by the Nursery Room, gazing at those pink and healthy little faces, I weep and told hubby: “Our baby should be here, not lying there with tubes all around!” ess deep inside, i'll never forget..